Wednesday, August 1, 2012

And time marches on

I live on a farm.  I may be the only person who lives there, but I  never feel like I live alone.  I've got my animals and they are as close to kids as I'll probably ever have.  I love them and I care for them and they give me a reason to get out of bed when I don't want to.  People often ask me how I do it, all on my own.  I don't really know, except to say that I imagine it is similar with children.  You just do it.  No one else is going to do chores when its 20 below.  No one else is going to fill that water tank.  You just do it.  Much like parents "just do it" when their child is sick and crying at night.  You don't consider not getting up.  You just do it, you know?  Its part of your daily routine, right?  Getting the kids up and off to school.  Running them to swimming practice, etc.  Well it's the same with me.  I can't imagine not doing chores in the morning.  Can't imagine not filling the water tank every other day.  Can't imagine not having those smiling faces greet me when I come home from work.

There is a downside though.  And its when you lose one.  Hollywood is gone now.  The farm seems amiss.  Something is wrong.  The horses are edgy and discontent.  So am I.    Our natural order of things has been messed with, and its going to take some time to adjust to.  Billie keeps whinneying for Hollywood.  Keeps looking around corners for him in the pasture.  She will run to me every time I'm outside.  She'll lean on me, rub her face on my arm, then run to the fence to see the mini horses, then back to me, then look around, then take a run around the pasture, and back to me again.  Repeat.  Repeat.

They say horses are a mirror to your soul.  I have never realized this more than when watching  Billie.  The way she is acting is exactly how I am feeling.  Just lost.  I know it will pass.  Time truly does heal all wounds, for horses and people alike.  Billie will be fine too, one of these days we will get used to three horses instead of four.  But for now, I just feel....rattled.  Unsettled.  Sad.

I wonder if this is how parents feel when a child goes off to college.  There sits the empty chair where they ate breakfast everyday.  There's just a void.  Just silence and nothingness in their place.  Sure you have memories, sweet ones that you will cherish forever.  Framed photos of them on the wall.  But it's not the same as having them there.  And somehow you know, though you'll get used to it, life will never quite be the same as it once was. 

1 comment:

  1. Cutter and Hollywood had a great 'Mama'..I know it is hard for you but I'm sure you brought as much joy to them as they did to you. {HUGS}